How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

When confronting grief, the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted three key stages (anger, bargaining, and depression) to work through in order to find solitude and acceptance following the loss of a loved one. Many clinicians believe that hope and JOY are crucial to experience simultaneously during the grieving process.

When we confront anger, we are typically admitting that we hurt, are disappointed, worry, or feel scared facing the uncertainty of how to cope with the loss. Anyone who recently lost his or her life partner now has to discern how to live life as a single rather than as a couple. And that’s really hard and especially in the beginning, painful, and at times, just maddening! At times, the grieving person lashes out at a loved one or close friend unexpectedly. The angry rages can leave the grieving person rather isolated when anger is the focus rather than expressing the hurt, disappointment or sadness that triggers the anger.

When we bargain, we offer other options to God, or often make promises to change poor behavioral patterns to make the grief go away. Sometimes a widow(er) questions moving forward, and that person may encounter self-destructive thoughts. Persons struggling with grief may avoid triggers of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries that seem impossible to face without the person who died. Maintaining hope and perception of a happy future is key to working through the bargaining phase.

There is such profound sadness associated with death, the depression tempts those most affected by the loss to isolate and shut out others willing to spend quality time. In the midst of sorrow, depression may also lead to under-eat, over-eat, or get intoxicated. What does it take to move past the depth of grief?

Recall the most recent memorial service you attended. When those gathered shared stories about the person who died, our tears of sadness were then mixed with smiles, laughter, and lots of wonderful memories. We began to focus on past events of happiness, where there is NO guilt or shame in recalling those who have died with JOYFUL feelings when remembering how that person enriched our life. That’s preparing the way forward following loss; experiencing joy during the process is crucial to the healing process.

Consider the following recommendations:

1. Converse with a loved one or close friend, preferably in person, and have them remind you why you are loved, what value you bring to their life, and then accept a hearty embrace following the affirmations.

2. Listen to inspiring music… whether classical, pop, r&b, gospel, or rap makes you smile. What music can you play to during the day to evoke joy?

3. Break bread with three, four or five of your circle of friends one evening later this week engaging with deep meaningful and spiritual conversations. Fellowship yields joy!

4. Think about a recent time that you made a customer or colleague smile on the job. Customer service seems to be a lost art; challenge yourself to give great service to a customer or colleague and feel the joy associated with the outcome.

5. Crisis responders inform clients to maximize the “news” to no more than one hour daily. So whether you get your information from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, or Facebook (and the Russian hackers), put a cap on the news applications, put the cell phone down and turn to joyful things.

6. When you wake up, will you reviewing a faith-based meditation or you will flip on the TV to Morning Joe? People often learn from the daily readings and reflections year after year, especially those that evoke joyfulness

7. Have you recently put your feet in the sand and surf of the ocean? We are so fortunate to live in South Florida where the ocean is just minutes away! When you go, notice the puffy clouds, the tiny sand creatures, the beautiful birds, or if went go the beach at night, bathe in the stunning moonlight and thank God for this amazing creation! That’s joyful.

Grieving is quite challenging. Surrounding yourself with loved ones who will comfort you through the rough patches, and collaborate with you when you are ready to engage in activities that bring back a sense of “everyday normal” as well as begin to bring back a smile to your face and joy to your heart.

A person is his or her late twenties likes his/her current job, maintains a few friendships from college, has been dating someone for a few months but is not sure whether the other person is “the one”, and doesn’t have a clear picture of his/her future. S/he decides to consult a professional for some short-term sessions; should it be a clinician or a coach? The answer quite frankly is either.

A colleague attempted to refer that friend to me but the friend sought a “life coach” rather than a therapist because “you only see a therapist when you have a disorder.” It’s time to clarify that myth. I certainly help clients cope with a wide variety of disorders; however, numerous clients have also presented with a smorgasbord of life matters without having a mental health disorder.

Well respected therapists are able to decipher when clients need broad perspective approaches when the presenting concerns are not disorder based. Counseling sessions are often highly beneficial for clients who want to enhance their life goals. Whether one is a coach or a clinician, establishing a few appropriate attainable short-term goals is a critical aspect to begin the process to work with the client.

Another key to the coach or clinician question involves the primary catalyst for seeking assistance. I received a call from a former client; about three years earlier, she was one of two partners who sought couples therapy when their partnership was in crisis. They worked collaboratively on the changes needed for themselves and finished the couples work within a few months. Recently, she was considering a career change and acknowledged experiencing some stress. Rather than take the case, I referred her to an Executive Coach that would be much more adept at helping her with the career decisions. The Coach also agreed to refer back to me for therapy if the stress symptoms became overwhelming. At the end of her work with the Executive Coach, the client’s stress had all but disappeared and she boldly made the career change with “no therapy required.”

Years ago, I received a referral for an adolescent who had been working with an Educational Coach about school performance matters but was not achieving significant progress. My initial assessment with the student provided immediate clues as the student admitted to his “recreational” drug use, whose frequency and complications truly was a case of substance abuse that required appropriate treatment. Once the student ceased the drug use, he returned to the coach for the school performance matters and subsequently increased most of his grades by “two letters” during the next semester.

As a clinician, I am disappointed when my credentials as a mental health counselor have me “ruled out” compared to seeking the services of a life coach. Clinicians often bring a wealth of life experience and clinical expertise to their counseling sessions. Clinicians often work with clients on present circumstances, and when necessary, make connections to past experiences or behavioral patterns.

There are also several coaching specialists that offer specific experience that will result in goal achievement without a clinician needing to be involved. Whether you are considering coaching or counseling, review the credentials of the prospective professional. Ask them about their comfort zone to refer and consult with other clinicians and coaches. Then make the best choice of a professional match for yourself.

(Thanks to Dalia Marvin, Owner, Think BIG Tutoring and Coaching and to Scott Boozer, Director of Executive Development at First Data for their consultation and feedback related this posting.)

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

Individual Therapy: Clinician or Coach? Find the Best Professional

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DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

ftlcfit

DOUG NELSON, LMHC954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061