How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

When confronting grief, the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted three key stages (anger, bargaining, and depression) to work through in order to find solitude and acceptance following the loss of a loved one. Many clinicians believe that hope and JOY are crucial to experience simultaneously during the grieving process.

When we confront anger, we are typically admitting that we hurt, are disappointed, worry, or feel scared facing the uncertainty of how to cope with the loss. Anyone who recently lost his or her life partner now has to discern how to live life as a single rather than as a couple. And that’s really hard and especially in the beginning, painful, and at times, just maddening! At times, the grieving person lashes out at a loved one or close friend unexpectedly. The angry rages can leave the grieving person rather isolated when anger is the focus rather than expressing the hurt, disappointment or sadness that triggers the anger.

When we bargain, we offer other options to God, or often make promises to change poor behavioral patterns to make the grief go away. Sometimes a widow(er) questions moving forward, and that person may encounter self-destructive thoughts. Persons struggling with grief may avoid triggers of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries that seem impossible to face without the person who died. Maintaining hope and perception of a happy future is key to working through the bargaining phase.

There is such profound sadness associated with death, the depression tempts those most affected by the loss to isolate and shut out others willing to spend quality time. In the midst of sorrow, depression may also lead to under-eat, over-eat, or get intoxicated. What does it take to move past the depth of grief?

Recall the most recent memorial service you attended. When those gathered shared stories about the person who died, our tears of sadness were then mixed with smiles, laughter, and lots of wonderful memories. We began to focus on past events of happiness, where there is NO guilt or shame in recalling those who have died with JOYFUL feelings when remembering how that person enriched our life. That’s preparing the way forward following loss; experiencing joy during the process is crucial to the healing process.

Consider the following recommendations:

1. Converse with a loved one or close friend, preferably in person, and have them remind you why you are loved, what value you bring to their life, and then accept a hearty embrace following the affirmations.

2. Listen to inspiring music… whether classical, pop, r&b, gospel, or rap makes you smile. What music can you play to during the day to evoke joy?

3. Break bread with three, four or five of your circle of friends one evening later this week engaging with deep meaningful and spiritual conversations. Fellowship yields joy!

4. Think about a recent time that you made a customer or colleague smile on the job. Customer service seems to be a lost art; challenge yourself to give great service to a customer or colleague and feel the joy associated with the outcome.

5. Crisis responders inform clients to maximize the “news” to no more than one hour daily. So whether you get your information from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, or Facebook (and the Russian hackers), put a cap on the news applications, put the cell phone down and turn to joyful things.

6. When you wake up, will you reviewing a faith-based meditation or you will flip on the TV to Morning Joe? People often learn from the daily readings and reflections year after year, especially those that evoke joyfulness

7. Have you recently put your feet in the sand and surf of the ocean? We are so fortunate to live in South Florida where the ocean is just minutes away! When you go, notice the puffy clouds, the tiny sand creatures, the beautiful birds, or if went go the beach at night, bathe in the stunning moonlight and thank God for this amazing creation! That’s joyful.

Grieving is quite challenging. Surrounding yourself with loved ones who will comfort you through the rough patches, and collaborate with you when you are ready to engage in activities that bring back a sense of “everyday normal” as well as begin to bring back a smile to your face and joy to your heart.

During the past few weeks, I attended two weddings. Both couples reside in Northern Virginia. Each ceremony included family members sharing a reading or a blessing. The fathers of one couple jointly lit a set of candles to demonstrate the solidarity of the two families. Many of the invited guests traveled thousands of miles to attend the respective ceremonies. The receptions were full of laughter, smiles, hugs, good wishes, dance music and excellent food.

Both couples opted to get married outside of Virginia. The first couple celebrated a destination wedding in which the groom had dreamed of an island wedding and the bride fulfilled her wish of a wedding at a specific location her granduncle introduced her to on a family vacation as a teenager. The second couple celebrated at a beautiful mansion in Maryland. The first couple has been together for about three years and the wedding was a catalyst for creating a new home. The second couple has been living together for more than a decade after thirteen years of dating. The savvy reader has likely figured out that the first couple is heterosexual and the second couple is gay.

The heterosexual couple had the option of being married in Virginia while having their marriage validated – not so for the gay couple. If the bride is injured or sick resulting in hospitalization in Virginia, the groom would be consulted about any medical decisions due to the status of being married – not the same for the gay grooms. Both couples will have the option to file joint Federal tax returns, but only the heterosexual couple will have that option for state tax returns in Virginia.

So when the subject of gay marriage turns to states such as Florida, Virginia, Texas and any other US State which does not recognize gay marriages, the legal rights of two lesbian brides or two gay grooms are “less than” the rights of a married heterosexual couple. One of the reasons I appreciated the gay wedding taking place in Maryland is that Maryland laws are structured to support the legality of gay marriage while clergy of various faiths have the option to refer elsewhere if the place of worship is not accepting of gay marriage (yes, legal rights for all combined with religious freedom for all). And the pastor serving at the gay wedding was so pleased to be officiating the wedding in full capacity of her faith.

On Wednesday, June 25^th, I am honored to co-facilitate a workshop about gay marriage with local attorney Dean Trantalis. Florida does not recognize gay marriage and as such, couples must be well aware of various rights and lack of rights by pursuing marriage in another US state. We will also discuss the communication and negotiation skills that gay and lesbian couples need when investigating the impact of a gay wedding.

While I look forward to the day that each of the couples cited above will enjoy the same rights as a married couple, I certainly support both couples in their respective celebrations of their lifetime commitments and status as soulmates. It’s been an honor to be included as a guest and close friend at each marriage celebration.

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How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

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DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

ftlcfit

DOUG NELSON, LMHC954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061