How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

When confronting grief, the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted three key stages (anger, bargaining, and depression) to work through in order to find solitude and acceptance following the loss of a loved one. Many clinicians believe that hope and JOY are crucial to experience simultaneously during the grieving process.

When we confront anger, we are typically admitting that we hurt, are disappointed, worry, or feel scared facing the uncertainty of how to cope with the loss. Anyone who recently lost his or her life partner now has to discern how to live life as a single rather than as a couple. And that’s really hard and especially in the beginning, painful, and at times, just maddening! At times, the grieving person lashes out at a loved one or close friend unexpectedly. The angry rages can leave the grieving person rather isolated when anger is the focus rather than expressing the hurt, disappointment or sadness that triggers the anger.

When we bargain, we offer other options to God, or often make promises to change poor behavioral patterns to make the grief go away. Sometimes a widow(er) questions moving forward, and that person may encounter self-destructive thoughts. Persons struggling with grief may avoid triggers of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries that seem impossible to face without the person who died. Maintaining hope and perception of a happy future is key to working through the bargaining phase.

There is such profound sadness associated with death, the depression tempts those most affected by the loss to isolate and shut out others willing to spend quality time. In the midst of sorrow, depression may also lead to under-eat, over-eat, or get intoxicated. What does it take to move past the depth of grief?

Recall the most recent memorial service you attended. When those gathered shared stories about the person who died, our tears of sadness were then mixed with smiles, laughter, and lots of wonderful memories. We began to focus on past events of happiness, where there is NO guilt or shame in recalling those who have died with JOYFUL feelings when remembering how that person enriched our life. That’s preparing the way forward following loss; experiencing joy during the process is crucial to the healing process.

Consider the following recommendations:

1. Converse with a loved one or close friend, preferably in person, and have them remind you why you are loved, what value you bring to their life, and then accept a hearty embrace following the affirmations.

2. Listen to inspiring music… whether classical, pop, r&b, gospel, or rap makes you smile. What music can you play to during the day to evoke joy?

3. Break bread with three, four or five of your circle of friends one evening later this week engaging with deep meaningful and spiritual conversations. Fellowship yields joy!

4. Think about a recent time that you made a customer or colleague smile on the job. Customer service seems to be a lost art; challenge yourself to give great service to a customer or colleague and feel the joy associated with the outcome.

5. Crisis responders inform clients to maximize the “news” to no more than one hour daily. So whether you get your information from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, or Facebook (and the Russian hackers), put a cap on the news applications, put the cell phone down and turn to joyful things.

6. When you wake up, will you reviewing a faith-based meditation or you will flip on the TV to Morning Joe? People often learn from the daily readings and reflections year after year, especially those that evoke joyfulness

7. Have you recently put your feet in the sand and surf of the ocean? We are so fortunate to live in South Florida where the ocean is just minutes away! When you go, notice the puffy clouds, the tiny sand creatures, the beautiful birds, or if went go the beach at night, bathe in the stunning moonlight and thank God for this amazing creation! That’s joyful.

Grieving is quite challenging. Surrounding yourself with loved ones who will comfort you through the rough patches, and collaborate with you when you are ready to engage in activities that bring back a sense of “everyday normal” as well as begin to bring back a smile to your face and joy to your heart.

Never Forget…

Fifteen years ago, terrorists boarded four planes, hijacked the pilots, and killed thousands when attempting to destroy several national treasures, including the World Trade Center in New York City. In spite of those horrific actions, police officers, firefighters, and rescue crews saved thousands more lives with their heroic bravery throughout NYC and DC in which every American life mattered. That day and the time following, there were no concerns about race, gender or political beliefs when reaching out to help someone or save someone’s life.

Never Forget…

This past weekend, I experienced a variety of emotions during a visit to California due to the passing of one of my family members. Many a tear was shed missing her; yet we managed to laugh, smile, and hug through lots of stories, memories, and other sharing. While there is still great sadness in the grief process, her husband and daughter are coping with their grief and letting several family members, including me, love them through the bereavement process as best as we can.

Never Forget…

On the morning of 9/11, we took pictures in front of the tree my cousin planted in honor of my grandfather. We also reminisced about Grandpa with many stories. He spent part of his career as a football coach who taught his players, his sons and his grandchildren about teamwork, discipline, and loyalty. Grandpa also was a role model for being a person of faith. I fondly recalled how he supported my career choice to become a counselor; he certainly would have been proud of my work fifteen years ago.

Never forget…

The Saturday following 9/11/01, I was assigned to Baltimore-Washington Airport to one of the airlines where my role was to assess and assure pilots and flight attendants of their bravery ensuring that the skies over the United States were ready to resume safe aviation flights home post 9/11 attacks. Resuming flights was one of the key steps to resuming “normalcy” with our American lives… the ability to travel anywhere in the country without worry. And this evening on the 15th anniversary, I ensure that my smile and cooperation is readily available to each security officer, TSA agent, airline pilot and flight attendant who will ensure my safety home after a cathartic visit with family.

Never forget…

On a weekend in which many Americans recollect the tragedy associated with 9/11, I was certainly in the right place: traveled by plane across the US to spend time with family that I love with a purpose to help them cope and to honor my cousin’s wife. I remain very proud of my heritage as a Nelson family member. And now, I’m heading home to be present with clients that allow me the privilege to support them with their emotional concerns. And ever grateful to live in the United States, where freedom allows me to travel safely, visit loved ones, pursue a career, and remember and honor those who have touched my life.

Never forget…

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

Never Forget: Fifteen Year Anniversary of 9/11

ftlcfit

DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

ftlcfit

DOUG NELSON, LMHC954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061