How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

When confronting grief, the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted three key stages (anger, bargaining, and depression) to work through in order to find solitude and acceptance following the loss of a loved one. Many clinicians believe that hope and JOY are crucial to experience simultaneously during the grieving process.

When we confront anger, we are typically admitting that we hurt, are disappointed, worry, or feel scared facing the uncertainty of how to cope with the loss. Anyone who recently lost his or her life partner now has to discern how to live life as a single rather than as a couple. And that’s really hard and especially in the beginning, painful, and at times, just maddening! At times, the grieving person lashes out at a loved one or close friend unexpectedly. The angry rages can leave the grieving person rather isolated when anger is the focus rather than expressing the hurt, disappointment or sadness that triggers the anger.

When we bargain, we offer other options to God, or often make promises to change poor behavioral patterns to make the grief go away. Sometimes a widow(er) questions moving forward, and that person may encounter self-destructive thoughts. Persons struggling with grief may avoid triggers of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries that seem impossible to face without the person who died. Maintaining hope and perception of a happy future is key to working through the bargaining phase.

There is such profound sadness associated with death, the depression tempts those most affected by the loss to isolate and shut out others willing to spend quality time. In the midst of sorrow, depression may also lead to under-eat, over-eat, or get intoxicated. What does it take to move past the depth of grief?

Recall the most recent memorial service you attended. When those gathered shared stories about the person who died, our tears of sadness were then mixed with smiles, laughter, and lots of wonderful memories. We began to focus on past events of happiness, where there is NO guilt or shame in recalling those who have died with JOYFUL feelings when remembering how that person enriched our life. That’s preparing the way forward following loss; experiencing joy during the process is crucial to the healing process.

Consider the following recommendations:

1. Converse with a loved one or close friend, preferably in person, and have them remind you why you are loved, what value you bring to their life, and then accept a hearty embrace following the affirmations.

2. Listen to inspiring music… whether classical, pop, r&b, gospel, or rap makes you smile. What music can you play to during the day to evoke joy?

3. Break bread with three, four or five of your circle of friends one evening later this week engaging with deep meaningful and spiritual conversations. Fellowship yields joy!

4. Think about a recent time that you made a customer or colleague smile on the job. Customer service seems to be a lost art; challenge yourself to give great service to a customer or colleague and feel the joy associated with the outcome.

5. Crisis responders inform clients to maximize the “news” to no more than one hour daily. So whether you get your information from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, or Facebook (and the Russian hackers), put a cap on the news applications, put the cell phone down and turn to joyful things.

6. When you wake up, will you reviewing a faith-based meditation or you will flip on the TV to Morning Joe? People often learn from the daily readings and reflections year after year, especially those that evoke joyfulness

7. Have you recently put your feet in the sand and surf of the ocean? We are so fortunate to live in South Florida where the ocean is just minutes away! When you go, notice the puffy clouds, the tiny sand creatures, the beautiful birds, or if went go the beach at night, bathe in the stunning moonlight and thank God for this amazing creation! That’s joyful.

Grieving is quite challenging. Surrounding yourself with loved ones who will comfort you through the rough patches, and collaborate with you when you are ready to engage in activities that bring back a sense of “everyday normal” as well as begin to bring back a smile to your face and joy to your heart.

Irvin Yalom is considered one of the field’s greatest experts about group therapy. His research indicated that group members learn more about the meaning of their behavioral choices which leads to “discovering and accepting previously unknown or unacceptable parts of myself.” The discovery process fosters other positive outcomes such as reinforcing the ability to care for oneself and other persons, to relate closely to others and to experience compassion.

The principles can be applied to self-help groups. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts gain insight both about the consequences of their addiction and gain strength from living out principles of recovery that keep them not only sober but happy. Bereavement group members address the depths of pain associated with the death of a loved one and find strength from the healing power of connecting with others who have experienced similar losses. Abuse survivors recognize the critical nature of ceasing the patterns of self-blame and focusing on creating and enhancing the supportive positive relationships in the present day.

During my career, I have been fortunate to witness incredible change for some of the following clients who have utilized group therapy to make significant changes in their lives:

The NFL lineman confronted by an elderly female about how his marijuana dependence destroyed his career and why he needed to get clean.
The partnered man considering an affair confronted by a peer about how his poor body image was creating the “rationalization” for cheating and rather than recognizing he was violating his ethics and fidelity.
The childhood sexual abuse survivor who created a strategy for gaining support from his siblings prior to confronting his parent who had been the perpetrator
The gay man rejected many years ago in a church setting for his sexual orientation who received peer support to locate an affirming place of worship for the first time in more than a decade where he could be open about his sexual orientation
The female survivor of childhood sexual abuse who learned to trust her fiancé in establishing the first primary mutual sexual relationship in her lifetime
The HIV positive man, newly single, learning about how to communicate his status with the HIV negative man he was dating prior to their first weekend away.

Group modality creates an environment where self-disclosure and peer feedback provides the catalyst for significant change. As the facilitator, my role is to create the “therapeutic” setting that fosters an environment of compassion and trust resulting with each of the group members sharing their personal concerns and confirming insights about personal behavior changes designed to result in emotional well-being.

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

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DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

FTLCFIT BLOG

How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process

ftlcfit

DOUG NELSON, LMHC954 789 9061

1881 NE 26th Street Suite 216 Wilton Manors, FL 33305

DNELSON@FTLCFIT.COM

DOUG NELSON, LMHC
954 789 9061