Lessons from The Five Love Languages
Some LGBT persons hesitate when a recommended resource is faith based, and quite frankly, that initial resistance is understandable when several faith-based organizations & denominations demonstrate anti-LGBT bias over and over again.
In the case of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, the insights related to understanding one’s own love language as well as recognizing and supporting the love language of her or his spouse are extremely valuable for any couple wishing to maintain a happy and stable partnership. LGBT couples may hesitate to read Chapman because he is a pastoral counselor; however, the lessons applicable for same-gender couples outweigh cautions about his faith-based background.
Readers are encouraged to determine their personal love language through a quiz; one quiz is designed specifically for female readers and one designed for male readers. A transgender client has the freedom to choose whichever quiz fits best for themselves.
The love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Several clients have been surprised by the outcomes of their quiz results. Here is a brief overview of each language:
1. Words of affirmation are the expression of complementary and positive statements that build up and affirm one’s spouse. Persons who value feeling appreciated may well find this love language as primary in their marriages.
2. Acts of service are tasks that are completed to help one’s spouse, often in the context of sharing responsibilities and/or reducing stress for the spouse. The person who wishes to complete the “honey-do” list, and does so without fear, guilt or resentment often identifies with expressing Acts of Service as the primary love language.
3. Receiving gifts are the symbolic gestures, not necessarily financial gestures, designed for the spouse to feel valued, supported and remembered. This love language is not about monetary gain, but the love language is connected with the meaning and sentiment of the gift which reinforces thoughtfulness.
4. Quality time reflects the interest of engaging in shared activities with one’s spouse. Those activities may occur exclusively with just the two spouses or as part of a group, however, the key element is a shared passion or interest in the time spent with each other.
5. Physical touch is the love language that focuses on both sexual connection as well as other forms of physical intimacy including hand holding, hugs, canoodling, and massage. Since one’s body has a range of tactile receptors, learning how a spouse wishes to be touched for support, eros, and connection validates the love language.
Each love language has great potential value to each respective spouse; however, the person who focuses on completing household tasks (acts of service) as a way to express the love language to someone that greatly prefers sharing a meal at home (quality time) may find themselves confused by not getting the desired response to “helping out.
Within our LGBT Plus community, there are many couples who are drawn to each other but have different interests or seem to be “opposite” types. Those differences can provide sparks and connection, but they can also cause friction and tension.
Many of us are familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality types that help couples, and work colleagues, to collaborate effectively. Having insight about both one’s own love language and the primary love language of one’s spouse or partner leads to more effective communication, teamwork, and loyalty, and tranquility.
Chapman’s book has been a valuable resource to many of my coupled clients, both LGBT clientele and heterosexual clientele. Don’t let Chapman’s identification as a pastoral counselor keep you from gaining valuable insights for you and your spouse to keep your marriage happy and healthy.
The Blessings of Resilience and Community
Those of us who either bravely or foolishly (depending upon one’s perspective) remained in Southeast Florida following Hurricane Irma found ourselves without power for several days but predominantly avoided the destruction left in the Keys and in Naples by Irma or the destruction left by Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico.
Prior to Irma’s arrival, many residents completed the preparation checklist: post hurricane shutters, obtain propane gas for barbeque tanks, bottled water for drinking, filled bathtubs for cleaning water, pulled cash from ATM’s to pay for groceries when credit cards become obsolete during blackouts; filled car fuel tanks, and prepared ice bags to keep food cold for 24 – 48 additional hours before having to live on canned food, fruit, PBJ sandwiches and protein bars.
Since the strength of Hurricane Irma was not the initial level four predicted, but the “dirty side” of the tropical storm that affected Broward County like a level one hurricane, power lines were down and electricity was gone, but most homes remained intact without significant damage. Therefore, residents were left to cope with life without electricity in their homes or workplaces for several days. Keys to coping are patience, resilience and relying on a community of family and friends.
As power became available in certain homes, those occupants were able to provide shelter and/or relief to family and close friends. This was not a time to be focused on past resentments with a loved one, but a time to band together in harmony to get through difficult circumstances. Those few days could be challenging for someone who struggles with social isolation who found themselves living in a home without electricity.
Friends who support us through tough times serve as allies. The day-to-day conveniences that we typically do not appreciate became coveted: the ability to sit in an air-conditioned room; charging a cell phone; microwaving cold food; accessing a refrigerator to keep milk, meat, and leftovers edible; sleeping in a bed with a fan keeping the bedroom cooler. As the number of days increase without those conveniences, it’s tempting to be short-tempered and disgruntled rather than patient, collaborative, and encouraging.
The kindness of friends and neighbors who shared those “luxuries” affirms those bonds of community and inclusiveness. Thanking those persons and ensuring quality time spent post hurricane is strongly recommended to retain an extended family to rely on during future tough times. I remain grateful not only to a colleague from another agency who allowed me to borrow his office one afternoon in order to meet with clientele with medical concerns but to several neighbors and friends whose kindness affirmed that I am well cared for and nurtured within our community.
How Joy is Essential to the Bereavement Process
When confronting grief, the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted three key stages (anger, bargaining, and depression) to work through in order to find solitude and acceptance following the loss of a loved one. Many clinicians believe that hope and JOY are crucial to experience simultaneously during the grieving process.
When we confront anger, we are typically admitting that we hurt, are disappointed, worry, or feel scared facing the uncertainty of how to cope with the loss. Anyone who recently lost his or her life partner now has to discern how to live life as a single rather than as a couple. And that’s really hard and especially in the beginning, painful, and at times, just maddening! At times, the grieving person lashes out at a loved one or close friend unexpectedly. The angry rages can leave the grieving person rather isolated when anger is the focus rather than expressing the hurt, disappointment or sadness that triggers the anger.
When we bargain, we offer other options to God, or often make promises to change poor behavioral patterns to make the grief go away. Sometimes a widow(er) questions moving forward, and that person may encounter self-destructive thoughts. Persons struggling with grief may avoid triggers of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries that seem impossible to face without the person who died. Maintaining hope and perception of a happy future is key to working through the bargaining phase.
There is such profound sadness associated with death, the depression tempts those most affected by the loss to isolate and shut out others willing to spend quality time. In the midst of sorrow, depression may also lead to under-eat, over-eat, or get intoxicated. What does it take to move past the depth of grief?
Recall the most recent memorial service you attended. When those gathered shared stories about the person who died, our tears of sadness were then mixed with smiles, laughter, and lots of wonderful memories. We began to focus on past events of happiness, where there is NO guilt or shame in recalling those who have died with JOYFUL feelings when remembering how that person enriched our life. That’s preparing the way forward following loss; experiencing joy during the process is crucial to the healing process.
Consider the following recommendations:
1. Converse with a loved one or close friend, preferably in person, and have them remind you why you are loved, what value you bring to their life, and then accept a hearty embrace following the affirmations.
2. Listen to inspiring music… whether classical, pop, r&b, gospel, or rap makes you smile. What music can you play to during the day to evoke joy?
3. Break bread with three, four or five of your circle of friends one evening later this week engaging with deep meaningful and spiritual conversations. Fellowship yields joy!
4. Think about a recent time that you made a customer or colleague smile on the job. Customer service seems to be a lost art; challenge yourself to give great service to a customer or colleague and feel the joy associated with the outcome.
5. Crisis responders inform clients to maximize the “news” to no more than one hour daily. So whether you get your information from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, or Facebook (and the Russian hackers), put a cap on the news applications, put the cell phone down and turn to joyful things.
6. When you wake up, will you reviewing a faith-based meditation or you will flip on the TV to Morning Joe? People often learn from the daily readings and reflections year after year, especially those that evoke joyfulness
7. Have you recently put your feet in the sand and surf of the ocean? We are so fortunate to live in South Florida where the ocean is just minutes away! When you go, notice the puffy clouds, the tiny sand creatures, the beautiful birds, or if went go the beach at night, bathe in the stunning moonlight and thank God for this amazing creation! That’s joyful.
Grieving is quite challenging. Surrounding yourself with loved ones who will comfort you through the rough patches, and collaborate with you when you are ready to engage in activities that bring back a sense of “everyday normal” as well as begin to bring back a smile to your face and joy to your heart.
